Visualizing the Loss

October 27th Weigh In: -4.0 lbs (remember I missed 2 weigh ins)
Total Weight loss: 33.6 lbs
Weight: 250.6 lbs

As you can see, I've made some progress. I was pleasantly surprised with the loss and I still think my end of the year goal isn't out of reach yet, so we'll have to wait and see.

Now, I've had some trouble believing my losses. I remember when I watched Biggest Loser (only watched one season, the one where the dude from Illinois won) and they had the contestants carry the weight they lost in backpacks and then do some stupid amount of activity they wouldn't have been able to to at that weight. So that got me thinking...maybe if I'm having such a hard time comprehending my losses, I should hold 33 pounds and see how that feels. Conveniently, we just took the dogs to the vet for their shots and Mollie weighed in at about 32.5 pounds...

I call this photo "Bitch put me down!"

She was a good sport and I have to admit holding her, even long enough to pose for the picture, was kind of hard. I mean I'm not a weakling or anything but I couldn't really imagine all that weight on my own frame. I also assume carrying her in my arms versus having her hang off me in a backpack is something different, but I got the desired affect, and I'm sure she wouldn't have tolerated that at all.

Because of my lack of belief I am also afraid to buy new clothes. Clothes shopping was/is always the highest form of torturous stress I ever endure. I hate trying on size after size as they increase and still don't fit me. I think the biggest size I ever bought was a size 26-28 and when all my friends were shopping in the Junior's section and I had to find clothes in the Women's section it made trips to the mall particularly stressful. When you have a dress that could double as an industrial size garbage bag it does something to your soul.

So as I find myself 33 pounds lighter, I am still wearing the same clothes. My jeans are loose and I have to fold them over at the waist to keep them up but they aren't totally unwearable. My t shirts don't have to be stretched out after washing them (after putting on my shirts I would almost always flip them up on my arms and pull them outward so I wouldn't feel any material clinging to my stomach) but again, not unwearable. I hate feeling my clothes against my skin because I know if I can feel the material one of my unsightly fat folds is being displayed and this hasn't changed. I'm constantly wearing loose fitting clothes and pulling down sweaters to make sure everything is covered.

Because this behavior is so ingrained into who I am, I don't know that losing the weight will change that. It's definitely a change that I have make in the way I think, which will be a lot harder than losing the weight. I just have such a problem with negative self talk. What if I gain the weight back? More importantly, will I ever learn to dress for the weight I've lost? Will I ever not dress like I'm still 284 pounds? Will I ever be comfortable with my weight and who I am? I'm not sure. Regardless of the weight I lose I think I'll always be carrying the extra pounds around with me. I have so many questions and so few answers, but I guess that's the point. This weight loss is a journey not a destination and I have plenty of time to figure it all out. In the meantime, I'll just start replacing my wardrobe one piece at a time and hope that I won't gain the weight back or lose to quickly to consider the purchases a waste of money.

Special Thanks to Mollie for her assistance with this post!