You Win This Time, Dairy Queen

I didn't weigh in this week.

I know I need the weigh ins to keep me on track. I also know I missed weighing in, just a little bit. I need that stress of getting on the scale to keep me going. I know some people can do WW and not go to meetings, but I need them. I need the accountability.

But sometimes, dear readers, there are better things in life than faithfully weighing in each week... Like spending a nice weekend with your super cool aunts and your sister. The only problem with this is most of this weekend was spent eating amazing delicious, terribly bad for you, food. I had an appletini the size of your head. I made spinach artichoke Mac and cheese with four whole cups of cheese, 1/2 cup of white wine, and 2 cups of whole milk. (Not only were the calories high, I spent like 25 bucks on cheese - totally worth it.) Rachael Ray really knows her stuff.

These things I am okay with. I've never had an appletini and for 5 dollars it was tasty deal. I could have made a lighter version of the Mac and cheese, but I made a great splurge-worthy meal for some of the women in my life that I love and they enjoyed it. It made me feel good to make something they liked so much, if you recorded just the audio of us eating, the appreciative moans sounded like they could have been from porn. No. I am not exaggerating. This would have been awkward, but compared to some of the conversations we've had, the sex noises were totally laughable. Damn, do I love my aunts. They are the goofiest, most supportive, best ladies I know. That's not exactly on topic, but you should know my family is awesome.

What I am not okay with: I had ice cream when I was already full and knew I shouldn't. My aunt (there are three of them by the way- Diane, Dede, and Debbie) pointed out to me that while I am making better choices most of the time, I wasn't making them all the time and definitely not then. We had a long conversation about food and not in the sharing recipe kind of way. Food is my drug. I use it to make myself feel better and sometimes I use to keep myself from feeling at all. I'm not even sure why I had the ice cream. This is what upsets me. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't unhappy. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. In fact, I was really happy. So why medicate myself with the small vanilla ice cream cone? (Even though I had made the best choice comparatively, considering my dinner companions had sundaes and blizzards)

Well, I love a good vanilla ice cream cone. Specifically, Burger King's (4 WW points plus) 50 cent - 1 dollar (depending on which BK you're at) vanilla cone. It's awesomely good for a fast food chain and is very satisfying for a low amount of points. But this was not BK. This was Dairy Queen. I am sad to say that this cone wasn't even that great. It didn't have the strong vanilla flavor, or the fresh cone crunch, I like in the BK cone. Did that stop me from eating the whole thing? No. Did I ask to stop at the BK we passed so I could make a better choice? Nope. Did I need to order dessert after my huge meal complete with giant martini? Hell No.

But I did. Mostly, I think because everyone else was ordering and I knew if I sat there with no ice cream, while everyone else was enjoying theirs, I'd feel left out... that I would crave that ice cream even more because I didn't have any. This makes no sense. I am not blaming them though; it's not their fault I got ice cream. I made the choice to walk up, pay for, and consume my ice cream cone. I just don't really understand why. All I know is I was upset afterwards. Much in the way, I assume, people that regularly binge are. My guilt didn't lead me to do any harm to myself, or anything like that, but my stomach did hurt and every sensation of pain reminded me of my bad choice.

You would think I would learn from things like this. I can guarantee that wasn't the first time this has happened. I can probably also assure you it won't be the last. Yet, writing it all down here makes me really think about how frequently I do make bad choices that are easily avoidable, and how often I do binge on food when I'm not hungry. It's a serious problem that I need to spend more time combating. I wish I could be one of those people who eat to live. Those people who eat because they are hungry and they use food to fuel their bodies and nothing else. But damn it, I like to eat. When I'm not binging or making bad choices, I still really enjoy eating. I don't think I should have to give that up just to lose weight.

So I dance on that fine line of enjoying my food in a healthy way, like that of a food critic or an Italian (I want so badly to go to Italy and love food the way they do), and abusing my food like a drug. It's so hard for me to decide when I've had enough, or when I need to stop. It's hard for me to have some great meal, like Kait's pot roast and kick ass roasted garlic mashed potatoes, and not go back for seconds - regardless of whether I'm full or not- because it just tastes so good. Also, I see how happy it makes her that I enjoy what she cooked, just like how happy it made me to see my aunts enjoy the meal I made.

It's hard for me to grasp that it's quality, not quantity, when it comes to food. It's not going to taste any better because I eat more of it. It's also doesn't mean it tastes bad if I have less.

I need to listen to my body more and consider that if I put junk in, I'll get junk out. Wait... I didn't mean...well you know what I meant. You have to have the right type of gas to make your car work properly...nope that's not it either...

If I want to be healthy, I have to eat healthy. It's about balance. I need to find balance. I need to learn from my mistakes.

Next time, I'll be the victor.