BEWARE: Negative Carrie is back.
I haven't been writing because I have nothing to write about. No progress, no victories I want to share, and nothing inspiring to offer.
100 days left. That's nothing. I'm still freaking out. Constantly. Every other second I think about the TRI, at least that's how it seems. I want to write about how confident I am and how awesome training has been and how great I'm gonna do but I would be lying. I want to be more confident and I feel like I'm letting down everyone who had been great enough to support and encourage me. It's not that I don't feel supported or encouraged because believe me I do, I just can't believe in myself. Which sucks.
Kait and I did the Beverly Breast Cancer walk and had a great time. It was fun and laid back and just plain nice to do. It was three miles and walking it was no problem. Of course, I didn't swim a half mile and bike 12 miles before hand so it was easy. I also wasn't running. UGH the running. THE RUNNING! Running is so scary.
I can't even really explain how horrible running feels to me. I can bike for miles. I can swim no problem. But when I stand on the track and step off at anything more then a fast walk I feel every bit of my weight. There is so much of me and it's just so damn embarrassing to feel my gut move, to feel the pressure on my knees and my heels, to feel my heart rate kick into ungodly fast territory. It takes a long time just to talk myself into jogging. It's basically just awful.
Sometimes I wish I had someone doing this TRI with me. I know I have support but it would be nice to be able to talk to someone who is going through this too. Am I the only overweight person stupid enough to try something like training for a sprint triathlon? I want to do all these pre race events so I can be prepared for the tri and I find myself going those alone too. Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough? I have no idea.
I got my shirt and helmet sticker for Bike the Drive today and I should be looking forward to how awesome riding down the lakefront is going to be. All I can think about is how I'm going to be doing it alone and how stupid I'm going to look. Kind of like those circus bears that ride those tiny bikes? But I'm doing this whole thing alone so I should just suck it up.
I spent the last 10 weeks wasting my time. I've been trying too much, not doing enough because I was working too hard and got discouraged, then just being negative and lazy. All I want to do is feel like I'm doing something right and I just don't. I have 100 days to turn myself into a triathlete and it just doesn't seem like enough. It's gonna be a rough couple months.
Each day is a new day! Focus on the swimming and biking - running will come in time. Don't worry about running by yourself - a lot of people who sign up for races don't stick together anyways.
ReplyDeleteI would totally, run, walk/meander with you if I could Carrie! Do what feels comfortable and you'll pick up speed. And you don't look silly! You're putting yourself out there, pushing yourself! You can do it! And you have 100 days left! Plenty of time.
Bad days happen, focus on making today a good day!