Crisis of Faith

Please forgive me... I hate being that whiney bitch, so be warned. Actually, you dont want to read this. Look away folks, look away...

I warned you.

I've tried really hard to not blog how crazy negative I feel. I know negative Carrie has been out before but that's nothing compared to how I really feel. About myself, about the Tri, about my seriously slow and out of shape ass. I really think that's why I haven't been extremely bloggy lately. I've spent almost a month barely training. I think that's why tri camp was so hard; I let my training slip because of my negative attitude. I'm so afraid I'm going to suck so bad I've been unintentionally sabotaging myself I guess. No point in training, I'm going to suck anyway, why bother? Seriously. What the hell was I thinking? Why am I doing a triathlon first? Shouldn't I have started with a 5k, a couple 5k's for that matter? I should have found someone to do this with me. I should have found a tri club, or a training partner. Someone to hold me freaking accountable to train because clearly I can't do it myself. I mean the support from my friends and family has been amazing and I don't mean to say that it hasn't helped. But I'm just not the kind of person who can do it alone I guess. I wish I woke up every morning and was excited to train. I wish I could bottle how awesome I feel after a really good workout and use it to get myself motivated. I wish I was the kind of person that turns to working out when I'm stressed.

What the hell am I doing? Who am I? Am I really a Triathlete? If I can't finish will I really be okay with "just trying" being enough? Ugh I hate my complete lack of self confidence. I realize how stupid I sound, but up until now I feel like this blog hasn't been totally honest. I try to laugh off my insecurities. I try to put up a front that I am awesome and training is great. If I wrote about every time I felt like a crazy ass for signing up for this Tri no one would read this because every entry would be titled "WHAT THE FUDGE AM I DOING!?" No, it wouldn't be fudge either, but I'm trying to clean up my language a bit. It seems like the only thing I know about myself is that I will get into anything, but will never see it through. I mean I can't even meditate every day for a week. Just when it seems like a have a few awesome weeks of weight loss, I stop tracking and find myself making bad choices. Why can't I just say I'm going to do something and do it? I have no idea what I'm doing. Who the hell am I? I have no idea.

Things I know about me:

-I can't be trusted with any kind of chips or fries. They are my trigger foods.
-I am overweight and I hate it.
-I think I will always be overweight
-I signed up for a 5k in September and it sounds super fun and I'm really excited.
-As of Monday, I'll have 8 weeks left to train and that basically feels like nothing
-I WANT to be a triathlete, but I don't really think I can
-I want to learn how to relax and take time out of everyday to meditate
-When I am depressed or upset I turn to food and I hate myself for it
-I love penguins and koalas
-I cannot wait to see Magic Mike and Ted
-I have a book buying/book reading problem that I will never apologize for
-I use the treadmill in my room as a clothes rack because I hate how loud it sounds when I'm on it
-My two favorite TV shows of all time are Sex and the City and Supernatural (yes I am aware how weird that sounds because they are nothing alike)
-I am a hopeless mess. I love cleaning my room but it will always end up looking like an explosion
-Sometimes the hardest thing for me to do is get out of bed in the morning
-I am a great sister
-I am a less than great friend
-I hate ^this about myself
-I really enjoy any cocktail that has tequila in it
-I don't care how stupid they look, I love wearing crocs
-The Holiday is my bad day movie.
-Louis CK is one of the funniest comics ever. Definitely my favorite
-I also really like Patton Oswalt
-I want to love myself and because I don't, I don't think I can 100% believe that anyone else does.
-I want to learn how to speak Italian, and live in Italy for a part of my life
-I want that crazy stupid romantic love you only read about, but I know there's a reason you only read about it and that I have unrealistic expectations. This makes me a bit sad.
-I am so scared that I am going to be a Unit Secretary forever because when I'm done with school, and almost 30, I won't be able to find a real job and establish a career. Then forever in debt, I won't be able to travel to all the places I want to see in my life.
-I hate my feet. How they look, how no matter what I use - they are always dry, my plantar fasciitis
-I hate how negative I am, honestly I hate everything about me a little bit... and I hate when people try to talk me out of how I feel even more. I don't say it for you to tell me otherwise. I say it because it's how I really feel, not for your sympathy or pity
-The Despicable Me 2 teaser trailer makes me smile, no matter what
-Don't ever ask me what my favorite book is, unless you want to have a very long conversation about books, because there isn't just one.
-I want to be able to provide for myself. I want to finish school and afford my own place and all my bills and just be independent.
-I want to live anywhere but Illinois. I've spent 25 years here. California was nice, Arizona was amazing, and Boston was a lot of fun. I'd like to live in those places for a while.

I guess I know more about myself than that but it's all I can think of at the moment.

I understand this post isn't really about Tri training. I know, if you actually made it through this post, it wasn't what you were expecting and for that I am sorry. I just needed to vent, and it all stems from this stupid triathlon, so this is my outlet. Sorry again. I only have eight weeks left. I'm not sure if these weeks will kill me, or help me make the steps necessary to become the person I want to be. I know I signed up for this because I realized I was turning 25 and didn't have much to show for my 25 years, and if I could become a triathlete, maybe I can feel like I've done something not many people have...and not feel like such a waste of space.

 If I haven't scared you off, stay tuned and I guess we'll find out together.