Please forgive me... I hate being that whiney bitch, so be warned. Actually, you dont want to read this. Look away folks, look away...
I warned you.
I've tried really hard to not blog how crazy negative I feel. I know
negative Carrie has been out before but that's nothing compared to how I really
feel. About myself, about the Tri, about my seriously slow and out of shape
ass. I really think that's why I haven't been extremely bloggy lately. I've
spent almost a month barely training. I think that's why tri camp was so hard;
I let my training slip because of my negative attitude. I'm so afraid I'm going
to suck so bad I've been unintentionally sabotaging myself I guess. No point in
training, I'm going to suck anyway, why bother? Seriously. What the hell was I
thinking? Why am I doing a triathlon first? Shouldn't I have started with a 5k,
a couple 5k's for that matter? I should have found someone to do this with me.
I should have found a tri club, or a training partner. Someone to hold me
freaking accountable to train because clearly I can't do it myself. I mean the
support from my friends and family has been amazing and I don't mean to say
that it hasn't helped. But I'm just not the kind of person who can do it alone
I guess. I wish I woke up every morning and was excited to train. I wish I
could bottle how awesome I feel after a really good workout and use it to get
myself motivated. I wish I was the kind of person that turns to working out
when I'm stressed.
What the hell am I doing? Who am I? Am I really a Triathlete? If I can't
finish will I really be okay with "just trying" being enough? Ugh I
hate my complete lack of self confidence. I realize how stupid I
sound, but up until now I feel like this blog hasn't been totally honest. I try
to laugh off my insecurities. I try to put up a front that I am awesome and
training is great. If I wrote about every time I felt like a crazy ass for
signing up for this Tri no one would read this because every entry would be
titled "WHAT THE FUDGE AM I DOING!?" No, it wouldn't be fudge either,
but I'm trying to clean up my language a bit. It seems like the only thing I
know about myself is that I will get into anything, but will never see it
through. I mean I can't even meditate every day for a week. Just when it seems
like a have a few awesome weeks of weight loss, I stop tracking and find myself
making bad choices. Why can't I just say I'm going to do something and do it? I
have no idea what I'm doing. Who the hell am I? I have no idea.
Things I know about me:
-I can't be trusted with any kind of chips or fries. They are my trigger
foods.
-I am overweight and I hate it.
-I think I will always be overweight
-I signed up for a 5k in September and it sounds super fun and I'm really
excited.
-As of Monday, I'll have 8 weeks left to train and that basically feels like
nothing
-I WANT to be a triathlete, but I don't really think I can
-I want to learn how to relax and take time out of everyday to meditate
-When I am depressed or upset I turn to food and I hate myself for it
-I love penguins and koalas
-I cannot wait to see Magic Mike and Ted
-I have a book buying/book reading problem that I will never apologize for
-I use the treadmill in my room as a clothes rack because I hate how loud it
sounds when I'm on it
-My two favorite TV shows of all time are Sex and the City and Supernatural
(yes I am aware how weird that sounds because they are nothing alike)
-I am a hopeless mess. I love cleaning my room but it will always end up
looking like an explosion
-Sometimes the hardest thing for me to do is get out of bed in the morning
-I am a great sister
-I am a less than great friend
-I hate ^this about myself
-I really enjoy any cocktail that has tequila in it
-I don't care how stupid they look, I love wearing crocs
-The Holiday is my bad day movie.
-Louis CK is one of the funniest comics ever. Definitely my favorite
-I also really like Patton Oswalt
-I want to love myself and because I don't, I don't think I can 100% believe
that anyone else does.
-I want to learn how to speak Italian, and live in Italy for a part of my
life
-I want that crazy stupid romantic love you only read about, but I know there's a reason you only read about it and that I have unrealistic expectations. This makes me a bit sad.
-I am so scared that I am going to be a Unit Secretary forever because when
I'm done with school, and almost 30, I won't be able to find a real job and
establish a career. Then forever in debt, I won't be able to travel to all the
places I want to see in my life.
-I hate my feet. How they look, how no matter what I use - they are always
dry, my plantar fasciitis
-I hate how negative I am, honestly I hate everything about me a little
bit... and I hate when people try to talk me out of how I feel even more. I
don't say it for you to tell me otherwise. I say it because it's how I really
feel, not for your sympathy or pity
-The Despicable Me 2 teaser trailer makes me smile, no matter what
-Don't ever ask me what my favorite book is, unless you want to have a very
long conversation about books, because there isn't just one.
-I want to be able to provide for myself. I want to finish school and afford my own place and all my bills and just be independent.
-I want to live anywhere but Illinois. I've spent 25 years here. California
was nice, Arizona was amazing, and Boston was a lot of fun. I'd like to live in
those places for a while.
I guess I know more about myself than that but it's all I can think of at the moment.
I understand this post isn't really about Tri training. I know, if you
actually made it through this post, it wasn't what you were expecting and for
that I am sorry. I just needed to vent, and it all stems from this stupid
triathlon, so this is my outlet. Sorry again. I only have eight weeks left. I'm not
sure if these weeks will kill me, or help me make the steps necessary to become
the person I want to be. I know I signed up for this because I realized I was turning 25 and didn't have much to show for my 25 years, and if I could become a triathlete, maybe I can feel like I've done something not many people have...and not feel like such a waste of space.
If I haven't scared you off, stay tuned and I guess
we'll find out together.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
TriCamp!
I know, I know. TriCamp was Saturday and it's Thursday and I've taken my sweet ass time to write about it. Sorry. Recovery first, blog second.
SO! Saturday was TriCamp. I was so nervous the night before. I had found out that I had an ear/throat infection and basically spent Friday being lazy and useless. I also missed a really fun dinner date with my LCM ladies so it doubly sucked. I was in bed by 9:45ish because I was planning on getting up around 5:30am (which seems early, but remember I was up before 5 for bike the drive). I had my car packed up, my bike tires checked and aired up by my dad, my easily digestible and protein filled lunch together thanks to mom and dad, and all of my spare clothing and swim gear packed and ready to go. I think I woke up every hour on the hour. I was so restless. Finally my alarm went off and my day began.
5:30am- Wake up. Shower. Double check all my gear. Pack my lunch.
6am - Leave the house. Get gas, a few power bars, an energy drink.
7:30am(ish)- Get to the Recplex. It took about an hour and a half to get to Pleasant Prairie which was expected. I was glad to get there on time. Made the choice to pay 5 bucks to park close. I was really intimidated because the Recplex is HUGE. There were all kinds of events going on that day and I had to fight my way into the building just to find the meeting room. I signed in and got my sweet "no train no gain" camp shirt, as well as a beginners info packet with a booklet about heart zone training and beginner tri knowledge. I ran back to my car and grabbed my bike and my stuff and found my seat, then waited for camp to start.
8am to 5pm- TRICAMP! It all started with Sally and Lauren introducing camp and Heartzone training and they gave us an idea of what to expect for the day. I was surprised that it was smaller group of women, I mean if Sally Edwards is giving advice about doing triathlons and heart rate training - you want to be there, but I was happy because we really got individual help and advice for each sport.
The beginners group started with the run and as you know (and are totally sick of me saying it) I suck at running. We split into smaller groups and Anna (who was super awesome and helpful) watched each of us run and gave us tips to improve. I run with my arms too high up. Your are supposed to swing your arms at pocket level. My arms were pumping in almost a boxing like way and it kept my shoulders tense and up by my ears. You should be relaxed while you run, which I am not but now I know what to work on. She also showed us stretches and warm up exercises to do as well.
We moved onto the 1.5 mile run test and I tried not to freak out. I guess I wasn't doing myself any favors by training on a treadmill. Just because you can run/jog on a treadmill for 5 minutes doesn't mean you can do the same on a trail or track. Lesson learned. I also, obviously, didn't jog the whole time. So I am embarrassed to report that the 1.5 miles took me about 22 minutes. So roughly, under my own power I can maintain a 14 or so minute mile. Unimpressive. Most people can walk faster then that, but really I was walking for a lot of it. Running is my weakest sport so all I can do is get off the treadmill and work on getting my ass moving on it's own. We also did a heart rate evaluation, but we did that last and my heart rate was already up from trying not to suck so bad at the time trial so I don't think it was the most accurate thing in the world for me.
We had lunch while it decided to monsoon outside and had a cycle/run lecture about technique and the proceeded to the cycling portion of the day. We did our heart rate testing inside on spin bikes. Now I can bike for hours. I enjoy biking and I would have to say it's my strongest sport. But if you put my giant behind on a tiny bike seat and we've got problems. Keep the rpms at 80 at the highest resistance for 10 minutes? No problem. All while being on a seat 3 times smaller then my regular bike saddle? Problem. It sucked but I still think I found my ideal heart rate for training and I finally got on a spin bike for the first time. The rain stopped and we finally went outside to do the 3 mile time test. My time was about 11 minutes and I don't think a 4 minute mile is that bad. I mean I'm not trying to win the damn race. I also passed a few of the other ladies and even though it didn't matter, it still made me feel a little better. Anna gave us some biking tips and we practiced drinking while riding without looking down at the water bottles.
We went back into the meeting room and got changed for the swim. Before we moved on though, we got a transition demonstration from Anna and a lecture about how to make them go more smoothly. Then we set up our own little areas and practiced going from swim to bike and bike to run a few times. The way you set up your area really matters. Even the way you place your bike helmet can really make a difference. It was interesting to experience and definitely something that should be practiced along with all 3 sports.
Finally we rode over to the beach side of the lake and got into the water for the swim. It was my first experience with open water swimming. Once I got past the mini freak out of stepping on slimy stuff, and realizing that yes - some of that nasty water will get in my mouth, I think I did okay. Anna watched us all swim and gave us advice again. I guess I don't bend my arms enough when I swim. My arms were very straight and you need to bend your elbows while they come out of the water. I was pretty good at buoy turns though. The only terrifying part of the swim was practicing a group start. I mean there were only like 20 of us starting at once and it was scary. I can't imagine 100 women starting at once. Arms and legs everywhere, kicking, splashing, the terrifying thought of someone grabbing hold of you and dragging you down. Yikes. I got kicked in the chest and accidental smacked a few ladies around me but we all survived. I think once I get past the start I'll be okay...I hope.
I learned so much in one day. I feel more confident about doing the triathlon and I am now armed with the heart rate zones that will allow me optimal training. We even got a training plan in our booklets from Sally. I can't imagine going into the tri without the knowledge I gained Saturday. I'm so glad I went and that I met so many wonderful and inspiring ladies! I did take a few days to recover. My muscles were killing me in ways that I never would have expected. I also got some crazy bad sunburn on my back, which as just stopped hurting today. So when it cools off tonight, I'm going to head out on my bike and try to stay within my "golden zone" using my heart rate monitor. Tomorrow, I'm going to get up early and hit the track at the high school and start to kick my treadmill dependence. I've got a lot of work to do but I have so many suggestions and tips to utilize to help, and I can't wait.
There are 67 days left til the triathlon and I'm going to make them count.
SO! Saturday was TriCamp. I was so nervous the night before. I had found out that I had an ear/throat infection and basically spent Friday being lazy and useless. I also missed a really fun dinner date with my LCM ladies so it doubly sucked. I was in bed by 9:45ish because I was planning on getting up around 5:30am (which seems early, but remember I was up before 5 for bike the drive). I had my car packed up, my bike tires checked and aired up by my dad, my easily digestible and protein filled lunch together thanks to mom and dad, and all of my spare clothing and swim gear packed and ready to go. I think I woke up every hour on the hour. I was so restless. Finally my alarm went off and my day began.
5:30am- Wake up. Shower. Double check all my gear. Pack my lunch.
6am - Leave the house. Get gas, a few power bars, an energy drink.
7:30am(ish)- Get to the Recplex. It took about an hour and a half to get to Pleasant Prairie which was expected. I was glad to get there on time. Made the choice to pay 5 bucks to park close. I was really intimidated because the Recplex is HUGE. There were all kinds of events going on that day and I had to fight my way into the building just to find the meeting room. I signed in and got my sweet "no train no gain" camp shirt, as well as a beginners info packet with a booklet about heart zone training and beginner tri knowledge. I ran back to my car and grabbed my bike and my stuff and found my seat, then waited for camp to start.
8am to 5pm- TRICAMP! It all started with Sally and Lauren introducing camp and Heartzone training and they gave us an idea of what to expect for the day. I was surprised that it was smaller group of women, I mean if Sally Edwards is giving advice about doing triathlons and heart rate training - you want to be there, but I was happy because we really got individual help and advice for each sport.
The beginners group started with the run and as you know (and are totally sick of me saying it) I suck at running. We split into smaller groups and Anna (who was super awesome and helpful) watched each of us run and gave us tips to improve. I run with my arms too high up. Your are supposed to swing your arms at pocket level. My arms were pumping in almost a boxing like way and it kept my shoulders tense and up by my ears. You should be relaxed while you run, which I am not but now I know what to work on. She also showed us stretches and warm up exercises to do as well.
We moved onto the 1.5 mile run test and I tried not to freak out. I guess I wasn't doing myself any favors by training on a treadmill. Just because you can run/jog on a treadmill for 5 minutes doesn't mean you can do the same on a trail or track. Lesson learned. I also, obviously, didn't jog the whole time. So I am embarrassed to report that the 1.5 miles took me about 22 minutes. So roughly, under my own power I can maintain a 14 or so minute mile. Unimpressive. Most people can walk faster then that, but really I was walking for a lot of it. Running is my weakest sport so all I can do is get off the treadmill and work on getting my ass moving on it's own. We also did a heart rate evaluation, but we did that last and my heart rate was already up from trying not to suck so bad at the time trial so I don't think it was the most accurate thing in the world for me.
We had lunch while it decided to monsoon outside and had a cycle/run lecture about technique and the proceeded to the cycling portion of the day. We did our heart rate testing inside on spin bikes. Now I can bike for hours. I enjoy biking and I would have to say it's my strongest sport. But if you put my giant behind on a tiny bike seat and we've got problems. Keep the rpms at 80 at the highest resistance for 10 minutes? No problem. All while being on a seat 3 times smaller then my regular bike saddle? Problem. It sucked but I still think I found my ideal heart rate for training and I finally got on a spin bike for the first time. The rain stopped and we finally went outside to do the 3 mile time test. My time was about 11 minutes and I don't think a 4 minute mile is that bad. I mean I'm not trying to win the damn race. I also passed a few of the other ladies and even though it didn't matter, it still made me feel a little better. Anna gave us some biking tips and we practiced drinking while riding without looking down at the water bottles.
We went back into the meeting room and got changed for the swim. Before we moved on though, we got a transition demonstration from Anna and a lecture about how to make them go more smoothly. Then we set up our own little areas and practiced going from swim to bike and bike to run a few times. The way you set up your area really matters. Even the way you place your bike helmet can really make a difference. It was interesting to experience and definitely something that should be practiced along with all 3 sports.
Finally we rode over to the beach side of the lake and got into the water for the swim. It was my first experience with open water swimming. Once I got past the mini freak out of stepping on slimy stuff, and realizing that yes - some of that nasty water will get in my mouth, I think I did okay. Anna watched us all swim and gave us advice again. I guess I don't bend my arms enough when I swim. My arms were very straight and you need to bend your elbows while they come out of the water. I was pretty good at buoy turns though. The only terrifying part of the swim was practicing a group start. I mean there were only like 20 of us starting at once and it was scary. I can't imagine 100 women starting at once. Arms and legs everywhere, kicking, splashing, the terrifying thought of someone grabbing hold of you and dragging you down. Yikes. I got kicked in the chest and accidental smacked a few ladies around me but we all survived. I think once I get past the start I'll be okay...I hope.
I learned so much in one day. I feel more confident about doing the triathlon and I am now armed with the heart rate zones that will allow me optimal training. We even got a training plan in our booklets from Sally. I can't imagine going into the tri without the knowledge I gained Saturday. I'm so glad I went and that I met so many wonderful and inspiring ladies! I did take a few days to recover. My muscles were killing me in ways that I never would have expected. I also got some crazy bad sunburn on my back, which as just stopped hurting today. So when it cools off tonight, I'm going to head out on my bike and try to stay within my "golden zone" using my heart rate monitor. Tomorrow, I'm going to get up early and hit the track at the high school and start to kick my treadmill dependence. I've got a lot of work to do but I have so many suggestions and tips to utilize to help, and I can't wait.
There are 67 days left til the triathlon and I'm going to make them count.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Couch to 5k
Today I started a Couch to 5k program. It's made by Active.com. As you know, I have serious doubts about my running (jog/walking) ability. Since I started training, I feel like I've been avoiding most run workouts. I mean I do them, but they usually turn into fast walks. So, I've spent the last two weeks walking almost everyday. I would sometimes walk twice a day, taking a long walk on my break at work. It was a win-win. I spent my break moving, and less of it eating. But, with only 11 weeks left til my first sprint triathlon, I can't afford to dance around the issue anymore. As I said before, I recently decided that I am going to make training fun and hopefully less stressful.
So here's the basic layout of my training week:
Monday: Couch to 5k - Strength Train
Tuesday: Swim 30 mins/Bike 35 mins
Wednesday: Couch to 5k - Strength Train
Thursday: Swim 30 mins/Bike 35 mins
Friday: Couch to 5k - Strength Train
Saturday: Couch to 5k
Sunday: I want to say that Sunday is a Rest day, but I honestly try to do at least a little bit of activity
The strength training that I do is straight from the Your First Triathlon book. It is made to specifically enhance the muscles you will need for all three activities and it only takes about 20 minutes or so. I like to include it because cardio is important, but it's not everything. The biking is just a basic ride outside mostly. Once a week, I try to do the bike at the gym and practice single leg drills. The swim is mostly freestyle laps, but I do incorporate swim drills (also from Your First Tri). I also will still be walking on my work breaks and I am taking the stairs at work.
So anywho, I wasn't really concerned about times or mileage with the walks I was taking the last 2 weeks, and as I start my Couch to 5k program I'm not concerned about speed or mileage either. I just want to be able to jog for 30 minutes straight. That way I figure I can throw a few minutes of walking in between the jogging and complete the 3 miles in a decent time. I tried a Couch to 5k program before but I never finished a whole workout because for the "run" part I would full out run. Today, I jogged (very penguin like) each minute, THE FULL MINUTE! I didn't push myself to run like a maniac, but I did jog. Maybe my jog is slower then some peoples very fast walk, but I did it. I managed to do each minute and because I took it at a comfortable pace I was able to finish the whole 30 minutes. So I jogged a total of 8 minutes today, and since I haven't really jogged without giving myself credit for doing so, I think it was the best 8 minutes I've experienced the whole time I've been training.
So here's the basic layout of my training week:
Monday: Couch to 5k - Strength Train
Tuesday: Swim 30 mins/Bike 35 mins
Wednesday: Couch to 5k - Strength Train
Thursday: Swim 30 mins/Bike 35 mins
Friday: Couch to 5k - Strength Train
Saturday: Couch to 5k
Sunday: I want to say that Sunday is a Rest day, but I honestly try to do at least a little bit of activity
The strength training that I do is straight from the Your First Triathlon book. It is made to specifically enhance the muscles you will need for all three activities and it only takes about 20 minutes or so. I like to include it because cardio is important, but it's not everything. The biking is just a basic ride outside mostly. Once a week, I try to do the bike at the gym and practice single leg drills. The swim is mostly freestyle laps, but I do incorporate swim drills (also from Your First Tri). I also will still be walking on my work breaks and I am taking the stairs at work.
So anywho, I wasn't really concerned about times or mileage with the walks I was taking the last 2 weeks, and as I start my Couch to 5k program I'm not concerned about speed or mileage either. I just want to be able to jog for 30 minutes straight. That way I figure I can throw a few minutes of walking in between the jogging and complete the 3 miles in a decent time. I tried a Couch to 5k program before but I never finished a whole workout because for the "run" part I would full out run. Today, I jogged (very penguin like) each minute, THE FULL MINUTE! I didn't push myself to run like a maniac, but I did jog. Maybe my jog is slower then some peoples very fast walk, but I did it. I managed to do each minute and because I took it at a comfortable pace I was able to finish the whole 30 minutes. So I jogged a total of 8 minutes today, and since I haven't really jogged without giving myself credit for doing so, I think it was the best 8 minutes I've experienced the whole time I've been training.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Blogger's Block
I haven't written lately because I'm not really sure what to write about. I have a lot of fun stuff coming up but since Bike the Drive there's been a lull in interesting Tri stuffs. Because lets face it, after you bike 30 miles in one day, regular training just seems a bit boring. I'm looking forward to TriCamp. I'm pretty nervous considering there will be a workout for each sport, and I am seriously lacking in the run department. I still have plenty of time to work up my endurance so I'm just going to be happy with enjoying the experience. I'm going to be dragging Kait to a duathlon type thing in the beginning of July where I'll run 2 miles, swim 1/2 mile, and then run 2 more miles. Kait will watch and enjoy the BBQ and post event outlet mall trip.
I have had a couple really great weigh ins at WW. There were a few weeks were I lost and gained and lost and gained again, leaving my weight stagnant for almost a whole month. It felt like wasted time. But, I lost 7.4 lbs in the last 3 weeks... each time I danced like a crazy person on the scale. Finally, all my hard work is starting to pay off.
Fun fact: My phone adds almost a half pound to my weight (no more weigh ins with it in my pocket: lesson learned)
I've also been really good about being active everyday. At work, I've been taking a walk on my break on top of my tri training. I usually get at least 2 miles in. The weather has been really cooperative. I even felt weirdly antsy the day it was pouring rain. It's nice to think I'm starting to become someone who needs to exercise everyday or else I feel my day is just off.
Today was exactly a year since Kait and I left for our cross country road trip. I was about ten pounds lighter then I am now. I recognize that I am losing weight now, but sometimes I really don't feel like I'm losing it. I'm just RElosing the weight I gained back. So when I get back to the weight I was when we left, I will have make the effort and spent the time to lose 50 pounds. But after losing 50 pounds, I will only be 25 pounds lighter. It really sucks and if anything, I now know this feeling. I will use it to maintain my weight loss and prevent any more serious backslides because I sure as hell am not going to let this happen again.
I have had a couple really great weigh ins at WW. There were a few weeks were I lost and gained and lost and gained again, leaving my weight stagnant for almost a whole month. It felt like wasted time. But, I lost 7.4 lbs in the last 3 weeks... each time I danced like a crazy person on the scale. Finally, all my hard work is starting to pay off.
Fun fact: My phone adds almost a half pound to my weight (no more weigh ins with it in my pocket: lesson learned)
I've also been really good about being active everyday. At work, I've been taking a walk on my break on top of my tri training. I usually get at least 2 miles in. The weather has been really cooperative. I even felt weirdly antsy the day it was pouring rain. It's nice to think I'm starting to become someone who needs to exercise everyday or else I feel my day is just off.
Today was exactly a year since Kait and I left for our cross country road trip. I was about ten pounds lighter then I am now. I recognize that I am losing weight now, but sometimes I really don't feel like I'm losing it. I'm just RElosing the weight I gained back. So when I get back to the weight I was when we left, I will have make the effort and spent the time to lose 50 pounds. But after losing 50 pounds, I will only be 25 pounds lighter. It really sucks and if anything, I now know this feeling. I will use it to maintain my weight loss and prevent any more serious backslides because I sure as hell am not going to let this happen again.
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