Still, I also know my self image is not the best. When I say I am fat it's not in a nice way. I am very hard on myself. I understand why people rise to defend me, essentially from myself. It's just not a good way to talk. I'm trying to be better about my negativity. I understand it took me 25 years to gain all this weight and behave the way I do in regards to food. I really do need to smile more, play more board games, and give myself a break every once and a while. It's just hard to change how I think and feel, just like it's hard to lose the weight. The journey of losing weight isn't so much about the pounds, it's about changing how you think.
It's about fear. Fear of gaining. Fear of staying the same. Fear of not losing. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointing those people who love and support me with such unquestioning earnesty. I think if you ask anyone who is struggling with weight, regardless of the amount they want to lose, they can tell you they have the same fears.
It's also about hope. Hope that you will lose. Hope that once you get to goal people will stop judging you every time you put a donut in your mouth. Hope that one day you can eat that donut or skip tha workout without feeling such extreme guilt. Hope that you will like this new healthy person you have become. Hope that you can stay at goal once you get there. Hope that you even get to goal at all.
But here's the thing. Even though is seems so far off, a part of me is scared of what will happen when (if?) I get to goal. I've spent my whole life with this weight. I wear it like a bulletproof vest. Your taunts, your cruel words, your stares
So why the musings? I'm sure you've seen the news woman who got called out for being overweight. She took a stand against the bully and now is all over the news for it. It made me think about how every person who has weight to lose is different. Every one's struggle is just as hard, be it 5 pounds or 500 pounds. You can't know every one's story, you can't know whats going on under all that fat. Just like the guy who wrote to that newscaster didn't know she had a thyroid condition or that she ran 5ks and triathlons. Afterward, he still was kind of a jerk but that's not the point. You can be working so hard and even though you are still overweight now, who knows how much you've lost already. I know she supposedly has been this weight for a while and that he sees her as a bad role model for the community, but think about this now: How many over weight people do you really see on TV? I mean I'm not saying that being obese or overweight is okay. I'm not defending people who choose to do nothing about their health. But you have to give credit to this woman who is a wife and mother, who works, who is on TV even though she is overweight and knows that she is publicly displaying that weight daily. I mean sometimes it takes people months to lose just a couple of pounds. You just never know what someone else is going through.
I know for a long time I just let my weight get out of hand, but that's life. Shit happens. You can't always be worried about your weight all of the time. I really think that taking care of myself is a part time job. It takes work and effort and just because you see someone who is overweight or obese doesn't mean they aren't actively doing something about it. You can't start walking everyday and expect to drop 100 pounds in a month. I will struggle with my weight for the rest of my life. I'm sure of it. But I hope that it'll make me stronger and that eventually I'll know that how other's see me doesn't have to be the way I see myself.
I try to remind myself of this. Strangers see me and could think, "Wow look at that fat girl. She must eat all the time and never do any physical activity". They won't know everything I have gone through just to be the weight I am now, that this is almost 30 pounds less than I weighed 6 months ago. You just never know. But it doesn't stop them from judging me, or the overweight newscaster. This doesn't stop people from judging anyone overweight they see. They see me eating some french fries or really enjoying a preplanned splurge on a panda bowl at the mall and just see a fat girl eating unhealthy food. They think I deserve to be fat if I'm not doing anything about it, that if I'm eating those things I'm not really trying to lose weight. In the same token those same people make fun of me working out at the gym, while I'm trying pitifully to jog down the block, while I ride down the street on my bike. They make fun of me for being the weight I am, while doing these things that are supposed to help me lose weight."Look at that fat ass trying to jog". It's like you can't win. It's because of these people, because of all the horrible things that have been said to me/yelled out of car windows/thrown at me that contribute to these crazy issues of self confidence that I have. It certainly doesn't help the newscaster either. I know this guy thought he was a well meaning concerned citizen. I know he thought that in his fitness he had help to offer this woman. Maybe, regardless of weight, she's just a happier person. Yes she can be trying to lose weight, maybe knows she could and should be healthier but she's happy while doing it. This guy, who is totally fit and skinny, might be the most unhappy guy in the world. He's gotta be insecure about something if he has to point out someone else's flaws to make him self feel better. Also, I would argue that anyone trying to lose weight has boatloads of knowledge on the subject. There's plenty of weight loss advice out there. It's just a matter of finding the right thing to work for that specific person. So ya know what guy? If she wanted your help, she'd ask for it
Bear with me here, I have a crazy comparison to make: Being overweight (at least for me) is like being an alcoholic. I think it is for most people. That's why there are organizations like Over Eaters Anonymous. But I have to eat to live. I can't just give up food. Yet, I have the same issues with potato chips that another person could have with alcohol or drugs. I use them to make myself feel better and in the long run I'm hurting myself and by extension those around me. It's hard to order Coke Zero when I know Dr. Pepper tastes so much better. It's hard to make the choice to have my chicken breast grilled instead of fried. I have to actively decide to make healthier choices. I have to choose to get outside and walk for an hour instead of spending an hour with my Tivo. It does not come natural to me. Just as someone who is recovering from addiction has to choose to make the right choices when it would be so easy to just slip back into their old ways.
Most of the time, I'm making good food choices and trying to be more active, all the while trying not to be to hard on myself because the road ahead is such a long one. It's just so damn hard.Yes. I did a triathlon but I am still 120 pounds away from being as heavy as possible and still just topping out at "Healthy" on the BMI scale. Actually anything between 101 lbs and 136 lbs is considered "Normal Weight" for my height. Seriously?! 101 pounds? Really BMI? I know its not 100% accurate or anything but it's still a crazy thought. Not that I'd ever get close to 101, but can you imagine how crazy that would be. I'd have to lose a total of 183.2 pounds.
There's just so much out there. So many jerks who are going to make you feel bad about yourself no matter what weight your at. So much research, so many exercise programs, and so many products to try. So many well meaning people that will give you advice. So many road blocks in the way that can prevent you from achieving your goals. It's not easy. It's not simple. It's hard and scary and painful and amazing all at the same time.
I'm stressed out every Saturday morning when I weigh in, but when I see the hard work pay off there's no better feeling then that moment. It's not even about the weight really. It's about knowing that if I can do this, I can do anything. And I'll tell you something. I know I shrug off when people tell me that they are proud or that they are seeing the results of my efforts, but something really makes me feel like all this stress I go through matters when I know I've inspired someone. Even if it's just them reading my blog and deciding to go to the gym or for a walk instead of wasting that 1/2 hour or so sitting around. If I can do it, so can they.
So keep doing for yourself, because that's really what it's about. Lose weight for you. Eat healthy for you. Be active for you. Enjoy the support and encouragement from your loved ones. Support them and help them to make better choices as well. Ignore the people who are mean. Be happy. Be strong. Be confident. All the rest will just fall into place.
